My Shit

I am disturbed by a recent trend toward listening less to others, in myself and in others, that I attribute to an inward focus on protecting the self. I really don't know if it is an increasing trend or just something I am noticing. I have no idea where this comes from but, if it is a trend, I do have some theories. I certainly won't be able to prove anything here and, even though I really want to, will not use specific examples from my daily experiences.

Each person's concept of the world, or world view, is made up partially of their own experiences. Communication between people is complicated by these different world views. If people were computers and we wanted them to communicate we would connect, for instance, the serial port of one to the serial port of the other. The transceivers in each computer is built based upon, and works on, the same set of specifications laid out by some formal over site body (IEEE for instance). On the other hand, you cannot connect the serial port of one computer to the firewire port of another and expect the two devices to communicate. If there were some sort of serial to firewire translator then this channel can work. Humans communicating have an issue similar to the serial port to firewire problem. Since no two people are exactly the same, since no two people have the exact same world view and experiences, some sort of translation always happens when people try to communicate. When people have known each other for very long periods of time or are very similar, communication is easy. On the other hand, when people aren't so similar, communication can be very difficult. There are all kinds of descriptions of this issue: from technical (research articles) to fiction (Pirsig's "Zen and the Art of motorcycle Maintenance"). [by the way, this is called the "constructionist model of communication"]

Now, with an understanding of the difficulties of communication, we can start to look into the listening issue. Maybe it is because I am getting older, maybe it is because I have a wide range of experiences from broke as hell farm kid; to engineer in Washington D.C., Kokomo, In, Terre Haute, In, Hartford, Ct, and West Palm Beach, Fl; to a college student with a bachelors and masters and now pursuing a Ph.D; to working in construction; and with a wide range of hobbies to boot. My parents also taught me to be an open individual. They taught me to respect and learn history so that I don't repeat mistakes of those that came before me. The taught me to take in all of the information around me and to formulate my own opinion. I think all of this has developed within me, an inability to listen. I'm so focused on my own past and my own experiences and education that I think I know just about everything. Anytime anyone tries to tell me I'm wrong, especially if they have less experience or education (or are just flat wrong) I get defensive and strike out to prove my point.

The real problem is that I notice this in people all around me. While I can generally have deep conversations on contentious subjects with people I have known for a long time, this is not the case with many people I haven't known as long (but that's not true either -- I've met several people over the years where I have an almost instant bond). Maybe it is because I had such a tight group of friends in high school but now it seems like new people just cannot or will not broach a deep subject, toss thoughts back and forth, educate me, and let me educate them without some serious wrangling. And it doesn't have to be a deep subject even; simple topics can become major issues at the drop of a hat. In some instances, I know I have, within my person, far more education and far more experience on a topic than the other individual and the other individual patently will not concede a point out of, what seems like, nothing more than spite.

I'm getting really tired of it all and I think I might have to become a hermit.